In the mid-2000s, as an elementary school teacher at a private school in Washington DC, I wholeheartedly bought into the teaching of mindfulness.  As the world sped up around us, parents and teachers grappled with emotionally fraught events like school shootings and climate disasters, not knowing how our children would respond; how they would cope.  Could they cope?  How do we talk about the news?  How do we make sense of that which is senseless? 

Mindfulness seemed like a solid way to help children compartmentalize and separate themselves from what parents and teachers alike knew was too much for young minds to handle.  Mindfulness is a way to check in with one’s body.  To realize that in this current moment we are not in danger and we are not in pain.  To briefly scan ourselves physically and mentally.  To let ourselves know that we are alright. In addition to mindfulness, yoga culture has taught us to be present, to focus on our breath, to scan our bodies for tension.  These are all good lessons. 

The practice forces the mind to be in the present; to block out external stimulation and focus on the self.  To recognize and validate internal stimuli and to drive away negative thoughts from past or future events that have no bearing on the now.  To take each moment as it comes without prejudice.  To clean the slate and start anew. 

The practice also requires discipline and commitment.  It might seem trivial, but without commitment, it is not uncommon for one to feel silly and self indulgent.  To worry about what others might think.  Imagine, if you can, a classroom of fifth graders sitting in silence with eyes closed trying not to think about one another.  This scenario takes a lot of teacher preparation and conviction.  If teachers are not fully on board, the class has no chance.  It also requires teachers to be genuinely connected to their students.  Heart-felt conversations regarding the benefits of the practice and why it is important must be open and honest.  Only then will students trust that this strange activity is worth taking seriously. With regular practice and repetition even fifth graders can begin to see the benefits of being mindful.

Once mindfulness becomes a regular component of classroom life, it can be referenced when children are stressed.  Whether due to social anxieties or academic pressures, mindfulness can help children overcome discomfort and focus on moving towards resolution.  Whether this means forgiving or asking for forgiveness in social situations, or putting aside fear of failure in order to perform better in academic or sports related challenges, the result is the same- a more present, less distracted person ready to give their best. 

From a parent or teacher perspective this is the ideal.  Enable children to move past that which is petty, to focus on that which is truly important.  To cultivate deep impactful growth emotionally, socially, and academically. To foster relationships that are honest and healthy, and to move away from toxic emotions and interactions.

As a teacher who witnessed some of these benefits (I would be lying to say it fully worked all the time), I can realistically say that for a good portion of the students, mindfulness gave them a strategy for overcoming challenges that previously had been unaddressed.  A way for students to calm their minds before tests; to settle their nerves before performances; and to remove themselves from escalating social challenges. A way for students to gain perspective.

On the flip side of all of the benefits of mindfulness, are the outcomes of a more self-centered group.  As children become more adept at identifying and labeling their emotions, they become aware of what they need in order to engage in an activity.  Comments like, “I need a moment”, or “I need you to give me some space”, or “I need you to leave me alone” become common.  It’s also not uncommon to hear dueling “I needs” in heated social interactions.  

A playground interaction might go something like this:

“I need you to give me some space!”

“Well I need you to give me the ball!”

“I’m not giving you the ball, because I need to take my turn!”

“I just need you to play better!”

“I need you to shut up!”

While neither of these students is being mindful, they are certainly using the language of mindfulness to make the situation about them.

One important drawback of mindfulness is that it places focus on how an individual is feeling in any given situation.  This takes away focus on how others might feel.  In this way, mindfulness is in conflict with being thoughtful.  In this way, we have given tools to children to take care of themselves but not to take care of each other.

Fast forward to adulthood and the myriad different messages that people receive through media, whether social, network, or otherwise, create an environment where “different” is uncomfortable and therefore dangerous. It is not difficult to imagine how an uninformed and self-centered person might react in a situation they perceive to be uncomfortable.  This scenario is played out in universities and colleges where students faced with perspectives that differ from their own feel uncomfortable and perceive that discomfort as an affront to their safety.  “Your message makes me uncomfortable, therefore I need you to stop…” The idea that personal comfort is the highest priority is an unintended consequence of mindfulness.

Take the woman in central park who, for whatever reason, was terrified of black people.  When she came across a black man in the woods she “needed” him to go away so that she could feel safe.  Nevermind that he was a birdwatcher and had every right to be where he was, doing what he was doing.  He posed no threat to her whatsoever. She felt it necessary to call the police and have the threat removed.  Unfortunately for her, the police saw no problem with the man, a situation that in another time or place may have ended very differently. 

So, what is the solution to the mindfulness conundrum?  Thoughtfulness.  Being thoughtful means that an individual is concerned about the well-being of those around them.  While both mindfulness and thoughtfulness require an individual to be present in the moment, thoughtfulness requires the individual to think about how their actions and words might be interpreted by others.  To show concern for the safety and well-being of other people.  This is actually a huge shift from mindfulness.  It requires empathy and recognition that we are all in this together and that each of us has the right to be.  

While we do our best to teach compassion and thoughtfulness to children in schools, I believe that the mindfulness message echoed more loudly for those who needed it the least.  In other words, the tendency towards selfishness is more natural than the tendency for selflessness.  Those individuals who may have started out more focused on themselves really took the mindfulness lessons to heart and may have skipped the thoughtfulness aspects of school altogether.  I think about people that are drawn to ambitious pursuits such as business or politics.  Those individuals may be more susceptible to corruption in the guise of mindfulness.  It is not a huge leap to go from “I need some space” to “I need a new car…” or “I need you to do my bidding…”.

Thoughtfulness at the expense of the self, is not the goal. In fact, we need a blend of both mindfulness and thoughtfulness.  Some situations require more or less of each.  Ultimately, though, for society to function effectively, people need to err on the side of thoughtfulness.  To be compassionate.  To care for and about other people. 

I view mindfulness and thoughtfulness as opposing forces that need to remain in balance, like the bicep muscle and the tricep muscle; one pulls and the other pushes.  To be a good writer, one must read…a lot.  Pulling and pushing.  For a time in the mid 2000s, I believe we overworked the mindfulness muscle causing it to grow beyond the ability of the thoughtfulness muscle to pull it back.  I think it is time for us to begin flexing our thoughtfulness muscles a little more.